Julia Hess...the REAL me.

"I get kind of homesick sometimes, for my home I left before my birth.  For my other Mother and Father who I left to come to earth.  I miss all the heavenly peace of that place where no pain can be found. Where there is no hurt, and there is no hate, but only love around.  Till it's time to go back home, there's one thing to do, it's clear.  I'll try with my heart, I'll try with my hands to make a heaven here.: ~ My Turn On Earth

This song from my childhood has been stuck in my head all day, it explains perfectly some of the thoughts I've had.  Life is hard.  Fact of life everyone knows, but some days it just hits harder than others.  Yesterday and today have been hard ones, where I also realize how much I sincerely HATE satan.  I hate him.  He makes life seem so impossible, or in other words he makes God's plan look hard.  Easy=satans plan.  Nothing easy is worth having though.  Satan knows how I long to have the wonderful things in this world that make eternity possible.  Of course he's going to work hard on me, to make me feel pain, hopelessness, and sadness. NEWSFLASH.  Satan DOESN'T win.  Yet...it's so easy to allow him to hurt us whether or not we realize we do.  Sometimes I wish I was a child again.  You know when there are NO worries other than what barbie to play with that afternoon.

                                                   

That would be pointless though.  The entire reason we rejoiced at the thought of coming here was to go through this test, to be tried so that we could return to our Heavenly Father.  It helps me to realize that I chose this, and I DID know it was going to be hard.  It also helps me to remember that everything I do go through in this life is nothing compared to the incredible joy I'll feel if I make it home!

But then I start thinking about my kids... and they are who I'm REALLY homesick for.  Call me crazy, but I know they are so aware of me, and I just long to be with them.  I know I am not perfect, nor will I be the perfect mother, but that doesn't stop me from being incredibly excited!  They're probably thinking, "Will you just find dad already?!" And I'm like "BELIEVE ME KIDS I'm trying!" haha. 

 I think I have been asked one to many times with visits to my home ward etc "Julia, how old are you?  Are you dating anyone?  Why not?  A girl like you should be dating someone, stop wasting time."  Needless to say THIS GETS SO OLD.  Did the world just expect me to get married right out of high school or something?  I'm only 21 and yet I feel like people think I'm a lost cause already.  Never fear world, Julia here still believes in love and not just any kind of love. Eternal love that stands the tests of time, that forgives, envies not, is strong through trial and pure happiness, and to be honest I believe in marrying your absolute best friend.  The one where you can be 100% yourself with, crazy adventures, pranks, and the one you can laugh with every moment of every day.  So I'm sorry that I haven't found that spark yet, be patient everyone...because I'm having to be!  




The purpose of this post is not to be negative about being single, or upset at others opinions I promise.  I've just been reflecting a lot about how this life is not be be compared to the universal timeline.  Graduate from high school, go straight to college, get married, have babies...in that order.  No one has the right to hold that standard to anyone.  NO ONE.  This life is a beautiful and individual journey for everyone!  For the longest time as I've gone through Heavenly Father's plan for me, I allowed myself to feel like a failure.  Just looking at that sentence makes me cringe.  I could I possibly feel like a failure if I was following the spirit and doing what I KNEW God needed me to do?!  It's because I allowed the opinions of neighbors, friends and some family get to me.  I'll give them credit from the outside looking in, I suppose it could look like I was all over the place.  Moving from place to place, going from one doctors appointment to the next, and choosing to not go to school while I was sick. Without knowing the internal journey I was experiencing it could look questionable.  

One day I snapped.  I had had it!  I was DONE with caring what people thought, that is what was dragging me down.  For some reason, my entire life I have felt like people have held me at a really high standard.  Like the world was constantly watching my every move. 

 Seeing what "Julia Hess" would do next.  Was it my Hess name? Was it the fact that I'm a seminary teachers daughter and have the best parents?  Or was it the fact that I couldn't stand the thought of being a bad example to my little sisters?  Well all in all, over the years I have developed a perfectionist problem.  I felt like everyone expected me to be perfect, but alas I am NOT.  This has been the cause of endless tear filled nights, constant anxiety that I'll let people down, and constant feelings of inadequacy. 

                               *GUESS WHAT. I'M HUMAN* 

                                           

 This has been going on in my life since at LEAST 6th grade.  Most people are shocked to learn that I really struggle with this.  There is a reason I love theater...I'm good at acting.  And I am NOT saying that happy Julia is fake.  Not in the least, I truly believe that you can always be happy despite your situation.  God's plan = HAPPINESS!  But I'm good at hiding the hurt, and fear of failure. I noticed I used the word FEAR a lot.  Way more than I ever should.  I always was reminded by the spirit that "FEAR is the OPPOSITE of FAITH" but instead of taking that as a challenge I beat myself up for fearing. 

NO MORE.  I CAN'T DO THIS ANY LONGER.  I don't want to live with fear in my heart.  Despite the pain, heartache, and hard situations I have faced especially these past two years, I don't want to live with the crutch of fear.  I want to trust my Savior in every single aspect of my life, and truly believe that He will do as He promises in John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you."  I KNOW He will!  I'm coming to really realize that Christ does not expect me to be perfect, so why should I care is anyone else does?


Something BEAUTIFUL happens when you don't care what others think.  Seriously. TRY IT OUT.  We all say, "Oh I don't care what they think..." but more often than not you do.  When all I cared was my Heavenly Father's opinion of me happiness just became an every day thing.  Even if nothing extraordinary happened.  Even if work is boring or I'm so busy I can't think I'm still happy.  WHEN YOU ARE AT ONE WITH YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.  Since taking on this mentality I sincerely don't care what people think.  I've gotten comments recently about being single, not going on a mission or what I'm doing with my life but I don't care.  I know I'm following GOD'S plan for me.

So am I homesick?  Yes.  Yes I am.  Will that only continue to grow as I come closer to my Father in Heaven?  You better believe it, but I'm ok with that.  Afterall, this life is meant for us to do all we can to return to Him.  The more homesick I get, the more eager I am to do what's right.

So in conclusion, I want to say thank you.  Thank you to my incredible friends and especially family who have stayed by my side as I have been going through my trials.  Thank you for drying my tears, letting me vent, and mostly for being extremely patient with my imperfections.  Thank you for LOVING me despite them.  It means more to me than you'll ever know!  I'm thankful for the angels, yes you, in my life.  Because of you happiness is smiling upon me, walking my way, sharing my day.  God bless you!  And lastly, I promise if you're struggling in ANY WAY Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have the solution and comfort you need.  Don't wait any longer.  GO TO THEM.  I know this to be true!

I hope you all have a beautiful day FULL of happiness!

xoxo,

Julia